Introduction

My premise: I believe that in Christ, there is neither male nor female, Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, married or single. Our identity is first and foremost, children of God and thus, brothers and sisters.

All of us, whether we are single or married are designed to be in covenant relationship and both singleness and marriage point to something greater in the Kingdom of Heaven. Marriage is one way a covenant relationship is expressed in that it points to an intimate covenant relationship we have with Christ. The teaching of Jesus also states that we will not be given in marriage in heaven, so as believers, we believe that marriage is for a season and thus, singleness points to the way we will all one day relate to Christ and to each other as the family of God. Singleness reminds us that our ultimate relationship is with Christ and that as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are in covenant relationship to one another as believers.

My heart is that the church grows to love and support each other as the full body of Christ, but my experience says that not everyone is quite as welcome or seen and if the church does not live out good news for the poor, the lonely, and the marginalized, it is not good news.

1. Singles are incomplete

We often hear marriage partners being talked about as “my other half or my better half.” I do believe that men and women reflect God’s image in unique ways and while there is something unique and beautiful about the way men and women can work together, I don’t think that Biblical mathematics is always quite the same as the math we learned in school. In Matthew 19 it says  ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” I think there is a stereotype or perception that because we are one flesh in marriage, we are incomplete as singles, but in this verse, we do not see ½ + ½ = 1, but two becoming one. Perhaps, this is part of the mystery Paul refers to in Ephesians 5:32 that is beyond understanding, but I believe that a healthier view of who we are as individuals in Christ can actually lead to healthier singleness, healthier marriages, and healthier communities.

Roughly 99% of the songs and 99% of the popular movies in our culture give us the idea that finding that person and experiencing romantic love is the primary purpose of existence on earth. I think the church has simply spiritualized this concept by making marriage the culmination of spiritual completeness. Marriage shifts from a way to know Christ and serve the Kingdom to becoming focused on the marriage as the way to serve Christ. In other words, it shifts from a way to serve Christ to marriage becoming the object being served, which is idolatry. The answer is not necessarily to focus less on marriage, but to put it in proper perspective. It is as if we go to the mountains and admire their beauty. Either we can worship the mountain or we can worship the God who created the mountain. The beauty of the mountain doesn’t diminish when we worship God and it might become even more beautiful in our eyes, but with the proper perspective, we trust the God who made the mountain. Our faith does not crash when the mountain is removed because we know and trust the God who gives and takes. Our hope is not in what God gives, but in who He is.

Of course, the most obvious rebuttal to the statement that singles are incomplete is the fact that the most fully human person who ever lived (Jesus) never married. If we believe that marriage is the mark of completeness, spirituality, and maturity, we need to reexamine whether we are really disciples of Jesus or disciples of the world and its idols.

2. Singleness is primarily defined by lack

When we think about singleness, we often view it as being unmarried. When we think about marriage, we don’t say we are unsingle. In a culture where marriage is the norm, singleness is seen as a problem to be fixed. Both Jesus and Paul make it clear that not everyone will marry on earth, so maybe we need to rethink our theology. While singleness can feel like a big fat ‘NO,’ we cannot live our lives around a ‘no.’

We are created in and for relationship. In the church, we are adopted into the family of God. We are brothers and sisters in Christ and we are called to be mothers and fathers. In Genesis 1:28, God gives Adam and Eve a mandate to “be fruitful and multiply.” In the Old Testament, barrenness was a burden of deep shame in part because it neglected God’s mandate to be fruitful. Those who were barren could not pass on their legacy to their children. In the New Testament, Jesus does not command us to be fruitful and multiply. He commands us to make disciples and the word he uses for coming to salvation is “being born again.” Whether we are single or married, we are called to disciple spiritual children for the Kingdom of God. This can include our biological children, but it is not limited to biological children. We must live our lives out of a place of belonging in the family of God, not exclusion.

3. Singles are a gift to the church because of their unique ability to serve

This is a sneaky one, but the way this plays out in the church is “God has denied you relationship so that you can be used for your utility.” Some people who are single might find comfort in seeing a reason for singleness such as being more useful to God, but in the long run, it’s not a sustainable comfort. At some point, the cup runs dry and no amount of explanations or reasons can fill the need for relationship.

First and foremost, the Gospel is about love for God and others. We can preach the Gospel in ten languages, give our savings to the poor, and live in a hut in Haiti, but if we do not have love, we are nothing. As it says in John 13:35, “By this will all men know that you are my disciples by the way you love one another.” Service and obedience comes out of love and abiding in Christ; not the other way around.

In general, those who are single do have more flexibility to travel, spend time with friends, etc., As someone who is single, I can go on a run or hike on my days off without needing to coordinate with another person, but what people forget is that those who are single not only work to support themselves, but they also cook, clean, pay bills, mow the yard, do their laundry, fix their car, do their taxes, etc. One of the harmful side effects about this stereotype is that singles can be prone to burnout in unique ways. I have heard comments made when a person who is single goes on vacation that I do not hear when a family or couple goes on vacation because “family time” is valid while spending time with friends is seen as less valid. Some people who are single may simply avoid vacation because they don’t have anyone to go with and going alone is a whole new level of heroic bravery. Sometimes, stopping to rest is just too painful or boring that it is easier to keep working.

Practically speaking, I know many people who are single who are often asked to babysit or care for children so that couples can go have dates. If you are married and ask someone who is single to babysit, be sure to extend relationship to them as well; not only use them to get your own relational needs met. One woman told me a story of a time when she asked a friend if she was free to hang out. The friend said “Actually, since you’re free that night, can you watch the kids so my husband and I can go on a date?” She never asked her friend to hang out again.

As someone who is single myself, I have experienced care in some really lovely ways. For example, I like to try to give my pastors some time off by watching their kids for a day, but they always seek out relationship with me as well. I have also experienced relationship by just getting to do life with my friends. It can be as simple as going to the park or folding laundry or painting with their kids. It is good for both the person who is single and the person who is married to get a real perspective, do life together, and care for the other and a bonus is that a person who doesn’t have children of their own can provide some awesome fun uncle or aunt energy. We need good marriages in the church, but marriage should be a way of loving God and others, just like singleness should be. Marriage and singleness should support and build each other up. A person who is single should benefit from good marriages and marriages should benefit from good singleness.

A final thing is that a statement like “You are single because God knew you could serve the Kingdom in unique ways” points to our tendency to need to find a reason for something. If we can figure out what God is up to, maybe we can predict and even control Him. If you want to know what God thinks about trying to comfort someone by giving reasons for suffering, go read the book of Job.

4. Singles are less mature

Marriage is a unique relationship with a level of commitment and intimacy that can and should only be experienced within that relationship. It can be easy for those who are single to avoid issues that marriage presents in your face. However, a close examination of human nature reveals that being aware of our issues does not mean we will use those opportunities wisely. People can use partners to enable their immaturity even more. It is also true that some people seek out relationships or stay in relationships because of immaturity. It is without question that a person who has never married has not experienced the exact same growth required for a good marriage; however, singleness has a different kind of call to dependence on God and relationship with others that can be easy to forget or neglect in marriage. One type of maturity is not better or worse, but we can all benefit from each other’s strengths and ways of relating to God.

5. Singles have less grief (or no grief)

This statement is everywhere… It is said “The more you love, the more you have to lose.” What people forget is that those who are single might feel the loss of a partner, the loss of children, the loss of a home, and/or the loss of stability acutely. The grief of a single is a grief that no one talks about. There is no book written about losing children you never had. There isn’t even a name for it. It is a grief that is only known and held by the one. In general, our culture doesn’t know what to do with loss and it certainly doesn’t know what to do with ambiguous loss, the kind of loss that feels like a dense heavy fog. We can’t quite name it or touch it, but it affects and darkens our experience of being in the world. One of the primary hallmarks of trauma is the experience of pain in isolation. When we hold pain that we cannot name or speak about or our experience is ignored or disregarded, it becomes traumatic. When we have no one to reflect or remind us who we are in the moments when we can’t see through the fog, we tend to turn on ourselves. Our pain turns into shame and the narrative spirals: “Why can’t anyone else seem to see the fog? Does no one care enough to see my reality? Is my pain even real? There must be something wrong with me. Has even God abandoned me?”

6. Singles don’t have needs.

This idea of singles not having needs can show up in so many ways. It’s easy to forget that not everyone has access to the same resources that we have. For example, purchasing items to set up a household gets expensive really fast, but a person who is single never gets the wedding shower. Next time you have a friend who is single who moves, ask them if there is anything they could use or just give them a Target or Home Store gift card. When you rent a vacation house, don’t assume the single is okay with sleeping on the couch in the living room after everyone else has gone to bed. I hear more comments made towards those who are single regarding choices they make such as buying a house or driving a truck that they wouldn’t make to someone who is married. Sometimes people assume that a person who is single is the one who will take care of their elderly parents regardless of their ability, feelings, or capacity to do so.

Being single can have logistical challenges. How do you pick up or drop off your car at the shop with only one driver? How do you move a large dresser into your house alone? Who can you depend on to take you or bring you home from the hospital when you have minor surgery or major surgery? Who is going to bring you Sprite or ibuprofen when you are too sick or injured to leave your house? Check in with your single friends and make sure they know that you will try to be available for those random moments when they really can’t drive two cars at once. It is also nice for someone who is single to know that someone is aware of their location when they are traveling or even driving home late at night.

7. Singles are single because they are flawed

This comes out with thoughtless comments like. “You’re such a nice person. Why are you still single?” When referring to a single person’s quirk, I have heard comments such as “Maybe that is their problem.” These comments are meant to be compliments or funny but they are deeply deeply hurtful and reveal a mentality of singleness being second best or due to a flaw. Being flawed and broken is part of the human experience, but to insinuate that there must be something more wrong with singles is incredibly hurtful and insensitive. The truth is that I don’t know a single person who isn’t flawed in some way that negatively impacts their relationships or potential for relationship. (By that I mean any person…no matter their marital status). If we are looking for flaws, we will find them and we can easily identify one or two as “the reason.”

I don’t mean to say there aren’t ever things where a person who is single may need to find healing; fear of intimacy, avoidance, reluctance to commit, fear of abandonment, fear of conflict, clinginess, unrealistic expectations. I wonder though, if rather than throwing stones, we can come alongside and offer a safe relationship where people can experience healing. I have never known a person who learned to be in relationship outside of relationship.

8. Singles need to learn contentment

The next phrase that is implied (or at times, explicitly said) is that when singles learn contentment, then they can get married. It is also said “If you aren’t happy as a single, you won’t be happy when you’re married.” Of course, there is some truth to this. A person who is chronically negative about everything will carry that into marriage, but contentment can exist alongside desire and longing and the desire for a partner or relationship is a God-given desire that we can bless. The next problem with this statement is that it unconsciously assumes that those who are married have learned the appropriate amount of contentment that enabled them to get married. This mentality is problematic in the way that it idolizes marriage and presents marriage as a reward for spirituality. When we follow this line of thinking to the end, we should ask what was wrong with Jesus, the apostle Paul, John the Baptist, etc.

9. Singles are inherently self-centered

 It can be easy for those who are single to live their lives for themselves. There is often a freedom in singleness that is not there in marriage. In general, those who don’t have children aren’t woken up multiple times a night by little voices asking for water or spending three hours with a child who just won’t sleep. When they decide to go on a trip, they look at their schedule and bank account and make the decision without needing to make arrangements with another person. Those who are single may seem less committed to a community and there is a trend in our culture of non-commitment. I think we see this with the decline in marriages, people delaying marriage until they are in their 30s and 40s, living together rather than getting married, more frequent divorces, etc. We also see it in our workspaces, our churches, etc. In Seattle, one church remarked that their membership changes about every four years as people move in and out of the city. I absolutely think that there are people who are single because they don’t want to commit, but that isn’t the case for everyone.

Recently, I was part of a discussion regarding things we sacrifice for. Those with nuclear families mentioned that they sacrifice for their spouses and children and some even said they couldn’t imagine sacrificing for anything else. The assumption then, could be, that because a person is single, they don’t make sacrifices in their lives. While I know that my friends didn’t mean it that way, in that moment, the lump in my throat didn’t let me say what I was thinking. I have many friends who have given up houses and brothers and sisters and fathers and mothers and spouses and children and lands for the sake of the Gospel. I know women who are single who choose to work less in order to be available to help the mom who has cancer or to care for their elderly mother. Often, their service is not noticed or is taken for granted. When a statement is made that implies that being married and having children is the only valid purpose in life, it can be especially painful to a person who is single who gives and gives with no family to take Christmas cards with or anyone to look out for them when they get old or sick. It is also harmful to the person who is married who has God-given gifts they are meant to express outside of marriage and their nuclear family.

10. If singles are lonely, it’s their own fault

Let’s stop and talk about loneliness for a moment. Loneliness is an epidemic as deadly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It is part of the human experience that I believe goes back to the Garden of Eden. The felt separation between God, others, and ourselves manifests in broken relationship that ripples down to every other element in creation. In our present culture, we have fabricated marriage to be the culmination of all relationships. Our marriage partner is to be our best friend, our romantic partner, the person who shares ALL of our common interests, the person we do everything with, and on and on. Hopefully, our marriage partner checks some of those boxes, but this system of marriage meeting all our needs is harmful for both those who are single and those who are married. It puts too much pressure on one person and sets them up for inevitable failure.  It also leaves those who are single completely out and leaves everyone feeling isolated.  Those who are married need friends outside of their marriage partner and those who are single certainly need friends.

Now, back to singles. It can be easy for singles to isolate. It is also easy for singles to get lost and forgotten.  Because many singles don’t get the small touch points throughout the day, they may feel the need for more connection, but it also takes more effort to get their needs met. People tend to congregate over shared interests. They meet at the nursery at church, they have play dates with their kids, they go on double dates and singles get left out and forgotten. The loneliness of singleness can be an opportunity to see others who are lonely and reach out to create communities, but again, it often takes extra effort. Sometimes those who are single just need to be with another body eating a meal or reading a book without needing to be especially social.  For someone who is single to get relationship, they often have to initiate something and it doesn’t always work out. Recently, I have made plans a few times with friends only to have them cancel at the last minute, saying they needed to spend time with their families and recharge. I wasn’t upset and encouraged my friends to be with their families, but it did highlight an ache in my own heart of needing to choose between relationship and staying home to rest. (I am mindful that those who have lots of people in their home might wish for rest without quite so much relationship sometimes. :)

The passage in Mark 10:29-31 says that those who give up house or brethren or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands for the sake of Jesus will reap a hundred times as much in the present age. This promise however, depends upon the church and the community to fulfill it and the church in the US has miserably flunked this test. Most churches not only flunk, but actively marginalize those who are single. In our culture, (US, primarily white, Protestant) we tend to have a narrow view of what it means to be family. My friends worked in Middle-East for many years and they shared that when a person becomes a believer, there is an understanding that that person is now part of your tribe and you will do what it takes to care for them. Another friend from Peru stated that her friends who are single in the US suffer more than her friends in Peru and China. There are certainly other cultural pressures in other countries and cultures, but there is often a broader understanding of what it means to be family.

For relationships to flourish between those who are single and those who are married, adjustments need to be made on both sides. It may not be realistic for a person with small children to go see a movie or to go to an art museum. It takes a lot of patience to spend time with someone who has little ones demanding their attention, but both the busy mother and the busy single need connection despite the challenges.

Practically speaking, those who are single can feel marginalized when they are seated at the children’s table for Thanksgiving, placed in classes or small groups with people much younger than themselves, excluded from events or opportunities to serve or lead primarily because of their marital status. I realize that it is natural and comfortable to spend time with people who have similar interests and kids the same age as your own, etc. There is nothing wrong with that, but I would encourage you to be willing to invite people into your life who have different life experiences as well.

Last Words

I didn’t have anywhere to put this, but there are little things that can alienate those who are singles. Church websites can alienate those who are single when they focus exclusively on being welcoming to families. Those who are single notice when someone thanks God for all the families in the room with no mention of those who are there without a nuclear family. Those who are single notice when all of the sermon illustrations pertain to children and families, giving the impression that Christianity is best lived out in the family. Those who are single notice when the leadership team and elders are exclusively individuals who are married and those who are single aren’t given a voice or influence in the church. Those who are single notice when small groups form for families with young children only. I truly believe the healthiest expressions of church and community is multi-generational and as diverse as possible. We all benefit from the wisdom of those who are older and the life and passion of those who are younger. We all benefit from getting to influence and love children together. We all benefit from hearing how God is working in different ways in different situations.

The family of God is a beautiful thing and families are beautiful things that the church desperately needs. My heart is that our definition and experience of the family of God can expand in its fullness as sons and daughters of God and brothers and sisters in Christ.