Ambiguous Loss
Understanding Ambiguous Loss: When Grief Doesn't Look Like Grief
Grief is often thought of in terms of a clear and definitive loss—a loved one passes away, or a relationship ends. But what happens when the loss is unclear, when there is no concrete event to mark the end of something or someone, and yet the grief is just as deep? Or what about the grief of never having or as Francis Weller states “the places that have never known love.” This type of loss can be just as painful as a more traditional form of grief, but because it is difficult to recognize and validate, it is often felt along with secondary emotions of isolation and shame.
What is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous loss occurs when a person experiences a sense of loss without closure, certainty, or a clear understanding of what has happened. Unlike death, which brings a definitive end and allows for rituals of mourning and closure, ambiguous loss is characterized by confusion and isolation. It may be the loss felt by neglectful parents who were physically present, but emotionally absent. It may be the loss felt with infertility, lack of relationships, or cultures who have forgotten how to be together. It may be seeing a family member deteriorate with chronic illness, dementia, addiction, or mental illness. It may be a personal struggle with chronic illness or depression that makes getting up in the morning a battle deserving of a hero’s medal. All loss including the death of a loved one includes ambiguous losses such as not having a dad to call for advice, being alone at night, or needing to make simple decisions alone. It’s the small, everyday losses that often go unnoticed by others—those moments that might seem insignificant on the surface but accumulate over time, that make the grief feel unbearable.
Coping with Ambiguous Loss
Ambiguous loss can feel like a paradox—how can you grieve someone who is still physically present, or how can you move on when there’s no finality to a loss? If I grieve the loss, does that mean I am giving up hope? Is there really a place for my grief when there are people who have suffered so much more? The lack of closure can leave individuals feeling stuck in a cycle of longing and pain, making the grief process feel more complicated.
Recently, I attended a grief retreat, and one of the most powerful things I noticed was how grief was embraced in all its forms—no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. There was no need to justify my grief or have anyone else understand it; it was simply valid because it was real. Your grief matters because it exists. I wish more communities recognized and openly discussed the many different types of grief, but in the absence of that, know that your grief is important because it’s yours.
Responding to Grief
In our culture, there is a tendency to prioritize a superficial image of happiness and emotional resilience. Grief is given only brief acknowledgment in our work policies and culture. We refer to crying as 'losing it,' a phrase that carries a derogatory implication, suggesting that someone is 'losing their mind' when they show vulnerability. Often, people are left to grieve alone in private, their tears hidden behind closed doors, which leads to a secondary loss- the loss of community and relationship. In contrast, other cultures embrace grief more openly—funerals are marked by loud wailing, and sorrow is expressed through rituals like tearing clothing or applying ashes. In Jeremiah 9, wailing women were called to lead others in mourning for the culture. Yet in our society, we are uncomfortable with grief – both our own and others.
There are two common responses to grief: avoid it and pretend our grief doesn’t exist or become over consumed by it. There is often a fear that we’ll become consumed by grief or fall into self-absorption, as if allowing ourselves to grieve deeply will lead to losing ourselves in the process. While that fear is understandable, I believe there’s also a time and place to truly acknowledge our grief and give it the space it needs. It’s important to recognize that grieving doesn’t mean we are stuck in it forever—it’s a part of the healing process. But there’s also value in finding balance, in putting our grief in perspective when it’s appropriate, and learning how to integrate it into our lives without allowing it to define us completely. It can be especially helpful in your own grief process to spend time with others who are grieving and experience giving and receiving care. It is truly humbling to receive care from someone who has suffered deeply and it is honoring to be able to share sorrow with another.
Avoiding grief doesn’t just delay the healing process—it can actually be destructive to our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. When we suppress or deny our grief, we deny ourselves the opportunity to process and heal from the losses we experience, leaving unresolved pain to fester beneath the surface. This unaddressed grief can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like anger, addiction, or emotional numbness, which can erode our relationships with others. The more we avoid acknowledging our pain, the more we may lash out, withdraw, or act in ways that harm ourselves and those around us. Grief is a natural response to loss, and when we fail to honor it, we create a toxic cycle that makes it harder to connect with ourselves and others in a healthy way. Avoiding or dismissing our own grief because we believe "other grief matters more" is ultimately more harmful in the long run. When we invalidate our own pain, we set a precedent for how we treat the grief of others. The way we respond to our own emotions shapes our ability to empathize with and support others in their pain. If we judge or minimize our own grief, we are more likely to do the same to someone else’s. Recognizing and honoring our own sorrow isn’t just about healing ourselves—it’s about cultivating the compassion and understanding needed to truly be there for others when they grieve.
Grieving ambiguous loss can be particularly difficult, as it often lacks the social acknowledgment and rituals associated with more concrete forms of loss. However, there are ways to cope with and navigate the uncertainty of ambiguous loss:
1. Acknowledge the Grief: Recognizing that ambiguous loss is a real and valid form of grief is an important first step. Giving yourself permission to grieve, even in the absence of cultural rituals or validation, can bring some relief.
2. Seek Support: It’s essential to reach out to others who are willing to listen. There are grief circles and support groups that talk freely about grief and will allow your voice to be heard and your heart to be tended. Find a therapist who recognizes and validates your unique experiences of loss. Most importantly, find or form a community that is willing to be there for each other for the hard days when you can’t even articulate what you feel. It might be one or two people you can call when the grief becomes heavy.
3. Create Rituals for Uncertainty: While ambiguous loss does not offer the usual markers of grief, families and individuals can create their own rituals to honor the loss. This may include writing letters, collecting items in nature that represent the loss, creating art, or breaking plates. I highly recommend inviting others to witness or share grief with you.
Recommendations and Resources
1. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller
2. It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan DeVine
3. Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament by Mark Vroegop
4. Follow Heather Stringer for more on cultivating rituals Instagram https://shorturl.at/k79AO
5. Grief Circles in PNW Offerings – Pacific Healing Circles